Why Marriages Fail ?

  A Dialogue

SABITA SAHU  :  Marriage is one of the oldest institutions in the world. All religions, tribes respect this institution yet marriages fail. Why do you think marriages fail?

PRAFULLA MOHANTY  :   Marriage is accepted as a sacrament. Irrespective of religion,  caste and other differences, marriage is universally accepted as a uniting factor. It unites two beings, two separate human specimens and also two families. They agree on the marriage altar to protect each other’s interest. In Hindu marriages the man is given the additional responsibility of pardoning up to ten mistakes –

S.S        :  All that is true. If marriage is so sacred it should not be on the rocks  at anytime-

P.K.M  :  Provided you respect its sanctity. Two individuals with independent pursuits of their own may live under the same roof but the marriage cannot sustain itself. The spouses must accept each other’s talents , pursuits and callings-

S.S        :  How is that possible ? If the wife is a creative person and the husband is a professional they may acknowledge each other’s talent but it is not easy to accept the wife’s popularity-

P.K.M  :  Yes, you have said it. By accepting your wife’s popularity and fame if you feel small, the marriage will fail. But if you are proud of your dancing or singing or writing or executive wife you may be a happy person.

S.S       :   But is it easy to sacrifice one’s ego and accept the world of your own wife?

P.K.M  :   No, not normally. But if you are a genius in your own field it is possible. For instance, The Curies who were both Nobel Laureates,  or Jean Paul Sartre and Simon De  Beauvoir who were great  writers in their own chosen areas; they did not marry in a  church but lived together – there marriage does not fail or succeed. It is only a social bond that is respected. In such cases the spouses do not find time to even think about conjugal relationship.

S.S       :  What will you call such marriages? Basking in mutual glory? Marriages are meant to raise a family, bring up children and give them proper education and make them fit to live on their own.

P.K.M  :  You perhaps think of social compatibility. The family is the smallest unit of society. A married couple should live together following the social norms. That is no more possible. Some people marry for sex, some for children-‘ Putrarthe Kriyata Vhariya or Sukharthe Kriyate Vhariya  ‘-if there is sexual incompatibility the marriage fails. If there is promiscuity naturally the male or female will search for new partners. If no son is born for no fault of hers the woman is blamed- and marriage  fails.

S.S        : The other aspects of marriage like building a home, taking care of the family or creating an identity for the clan- What about these features of marriage? Personality maladjustment or sheer lust is not conducive to  marriage. These are cultural aberrations.

P.K.M  :  Yes, but the society has not yet found remedies rather these lustful aberrations are accommodated by certain male friendly rules. Of course those artificial rules are now changing but human nature does not change.

S.S     :  But patriarchy still holds sway. When woman was not educated and economically dependent she had to live with her husband sacrificing her life. But today woman have their own identities. Why should they submit to male shenanigans or ego?

P.K.M  :  Your question has built in answers. Marriages give you a chance to create your separate universe. Man and Woman together create a separate world, you rival God and that is the success of your marriage.  If you want to succeed, surrender your ego.  Life is not an ego trip-

S.S        :  Often woman and even man marry under compulsion of the family, Those marriages fail-

P.K.M  :  But what about Love marriages? Most love marriages fail, why?

S.S        : Because their mutual discovery ends.

P.K.M  :  And boredom sets in. As long as you discover new things in each other the marriage lasts.

S.S        :  But how long can this mutual discovery go on?

P.K.M  :  Life long. If you have nothing to discover in your spouse after six days or six months of sexual delight you are bored. You will think of divorce.

S.S.       : How can marriages be saved?

P.K.M  :  By accepting each other and surrendering yourself at your spouse. But live your own life.

S.S        :  What do you mean by surrender?

P.K.M  :  Not that you will fall at your spouse’s feet. But be proud of his /her achievements and think that what all you earn money, fame, status these are for him/ her. The world you create is a shared world but your spouse is the acknowledged author. Surrender your ego, surrender your lust on the altar of love.

 S.S        :  Is it  possible?

P.K.M  :  Yes, if you love each other, which I know is difficult. But love is the foundation of the success of marriage.

S.S  :  Yes, I guess so, Thank you.